Anime Physics
by ClassHole
Summary: Gain your PH in Anime Physics here! Learn many of the 100 unofficial anime laws and how they apply with our favourite Naruto characters!
1. Temporal Variability

_A collection of one-shots, using the Naruto anime/manga as my guinea pig, depicting the actual laws in effect. A full collection of the full 100 Anime laws can be found through a link on my name._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the 100 Anime Laws. If, at any point, the owner of the 100 Anime Laws would like me to take this down, I will comply without reluctance._

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#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

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"Naruto, get down!"

Sakura's voice was drowned out by the sounds of explosions in the far off distance. Naruto, being the excellent ninja that he is, didn't notice the extremely large rock go hurtling towards him. Only noticing it at the last second, Naruto went flying when the object went crashing into his face.

"Damn. The only way I can defeat this guy is if I use my kage bunshin!"

A silence covered the desolate area until Sakura ran up to him and placed a hand on his bleeding face.

"How will your kage bunshin work in this situation?"

Naruto looked at her quizzically then scoffed at her stupidity. "I haven't got that far yet in thinking Sakura-chan. I have to use it though--since that's all I can really do!"

Naruto stood up and summoned his shadow clones. The evil enemy simply threw four kunai in his direction and the clones were destroyed.

"..."

"Damn!" Naruto yelled. "Now for the next useful attack." Naruto summoned another shadow clone and watched as it gathered chakra into his hand. With a loud battle cry and a thrust of his arm, Naruto set off into the air.

In mid-air Naruto yelled, "Why isn't time stopping! Where's the slow-mo? I'm using Rasengan. "

Sakura sighed. "Idiot! It's not cool or impressive anymore for fans..unless they're English since it hasn't gotten very far."

"Damn." Without the time factor in his battle plan, Naruto never made it to the evil enemy. Instead, his body fell half way there into a pile of soil (since characters never die by falling from extremely high altitudes.)

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**_#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

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	2. Nominative Clamovocation

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the 100 Anime Laws. If, at any point, the owner of the 100 Anime Laws would like me to take this down, I will comply without reluctance.**_

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#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).

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"Kakashi-sensei! I have a new technique to show you!" Naruto yelled, turning the corner in lightning fast speed and nearly bumping into the silver haired man. Kakashi closed his book and looked over at the boy, amused by his actions. Even though he was two and a half years older, he still loved to act like a pubescent child.

"Yes, Naruto?"

Naruto looked up to find his sensei indulged in his reading and not paying attention to his needs. Naruto pouted, tried to land a blow to to Kakashi's stomach, and found himself hurled back for the second time in a day.

Kakashi stuffed his book in his pocket and looked over his shoulder and noticed the training grounds.

"Show me there."

Naruto followed. Once they both set foot on the cracked concrete, Naruto set off a series of sand seals and began mumbling his jutsu.

"Ra-se-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga---"

Kakashi scratched the back of his head.

"---ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga---"

Kakashi scratched his masked chin.

"--ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga---"

Kakashi scratched...er, let's not go there.

"---ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga---"

Kakashi went home and took a nap, read some Icha Icha and returned several uneventful hours later.

"---ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga---"

"Gan." Sakura's voice rose from the rumbling and she jumped in front of Naruto, punching the ground with brute force. Kakashi, clearly surprised, fell into the crack and rendered himself unconcious (since ninja are human, too.) Naruto laughed and jumped into the large crease in the ground, dragging Kakashi up to the surface and inhaling deeply before pulling his mask down.

Silence covered the area.

"FISH LIPS!"

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#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).

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	3. Electric and Combust Survivalism

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the 100 Anime Laws. If, at any point, the owner of the 100 Anime Laws would like me to take this down, I will comply without reluctance.

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**_#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won't have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").

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"Ino, what are you looking for?" Chouji asked between bites of his hot dog.

"M-my white pants!" Ino yelled into the closet, rummaging through piles of neatly folded clothes in search of the lost article. Chouji merely shrugged and continued to eat while watching her body flip and turn in the closet. It was an interesting sight but Chouji found himself to be more preoccupied with his food.

"Found it yet?" He asked several moments later, now searching through his mission bag for another bag of chips, preferably barbeque.

"No! Damn it, Shikamaru is probably waiting by the gates! Chouji, you remember the last time I wore them, right?" Ino stopped her digging and craned her neck, her blue eyes sparkling with the tiniest bit of hope.

"Uh, the ones with the red spots?"

"...Red spots?"

"Yea, there were red spots by the um...waist."

"...Chouji?"

There were beads of sweat pouring down the boy's face as he sat up, trying to keep the straightest face he could. "Well you see...I asked Shikamaru why the red spots looked like blotches and his face scrunched up before he told me to leave you alone. Then I asked Kiba and he said that it was a girl thing. THEN I went up to Naruto and he said that it looked like blood. I was going to ask you but you were going through some strange mood swings so I left you alone."

Silence found its way to the room as Ino's eyes suddenly lost its colour.

"I-Ino?"

She left the room and came back in a hurry with a lighter. She lit it up and in a flash, Chouji found his sweater ignited. "What the hell Ino!" He stood up and shrugged the sweater off, jumping on it frantically to put out the flames. Ino tried again, this time igniting his hand. He shook that wildly and the flame slowly disintegrated, leaving no wounds whatsoever.

"What's wrong with you? All I asked was if it was the red spot p--oh my god."

Realization dawned on Chouji just as Ino took out her baseball bat.

"Try and eat this!"

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#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won't have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").

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	4. Juvenile Omnipotence

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the 100 Anime Laws. If, at any point, the owner of the 100 Anime Laws would like me to take this down, I will comply without reluctance.

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****#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.****

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If Jiraiya was sent to kill Itachi... _

"Itachi."

"Jiraiya."

"The time has come for you to die."

"If you say so." Itachi took his ready position.

"Yes."

"Indeed."

"Absolutely."

"DIE!" The two set off towards each other in a blur of motion. The battle lasted four hours, with Jiraiya emerging the winner mainly because of the law of nominative clamovocation.

Jiraiya's final attack had been three syllables longer than Itachi's.

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_If Sasuke was sent to kill Itachi..._

"Itachi."

"Little brother."

"It has been too long."

"Yes."

"Indeed."

"Absolutely."

"I've trained for years and perfected every jutsu I've been taught under the tutelage of Orochimaru. I've yearned for this moment to kill you. To have my hands drenched in your blood, to see you suffer by the hands of your little brother. You shall die Itachi because..I am an avenger. My sole duty in this world is to kill you and I will do whatever it takes to do it. My hatred for you has grown tenfold and you will die! I will wrench our your heart, rip out your veins, punch in your skull, twist off your toe, cut off your pen--"

Itachi landed a hit to Sasuke's face, effectively knocking him out. The battle lasted a total of fourteen minutes (including Sasuke's rant) and Itachi proceeded to do all those things to Sasuke.

Including the threat Sasuke didn't finish.

_In Konoha..._

"Haruno Sakura, a package for you!" Sakura turned her head and found herself stumbling back when a package was forced into her flat chest. She mumbled nearly incoherent threats and took hold of the package, immediately scrunching her nose up in distaste when she smelled the foul odour. She slowly opened the brown box and, instead of screaming like any normal twelve year old girl would do, Sakura smiled.

"Thanks Itachi," she whispered to herself as she skipped down the hall with her piece of Sasuke.

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**_#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst._**

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Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews! And you can guess what part of him Sakura received. ;) 


	5. Tableware Nonexistence

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the 100 Anime Laws. If, at any point, the owner of the 100 Anime Laws would like me to take this down, I will comply without reluctance.

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_**#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.

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Akamaru was strange. When Kakashi summoned Pakkun, Akamaru would follow the dog around for hours until it suddenly disappeared or the jutsu was released. Kiba was flabbergasted at first, not knowing what to do with such information. Then he decided to be frank and come out with it.

One day, Kiba found Kakashi eating at Ichiraku. He walked up to the jounin and asked, 

"Pakkun's a male right?"

Kakashi turned around and chuckled lightly before responding. "I believe so."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Kiba, I assure you. I am not kidding unless..._kuchiyose no jutsu!_" The chubby dog appeared and Kakashi picked him up, much to Pakkun's displeasure.

"What are you doing Kakashi?"

"Just checking." Kakashi grabbed Pakkun's...doghood (since he isn't, you know, exactly a man) and the dog yelped in surprise. Kakashi then released the jutsu before Pakkun responded to the dog molestation and Kiba stood there, appalled by the jounin's action.

"Er, thanks."

"Anytime."

Kiba was about to leave when he noticed something very peculiar. Kakashi took his chopsticks and picked up some ramen noodles, shoving them into his pockets.

"What the heck are you doing!"

Kakashi sighed. "That's how I eat."

"..."

"There is a tube under my jounin vest that is attached to my trachea. You see, I have er...fish lips--I can't eat properly."

"So that's why you wear the mask..."

"Yes..."

"I see."

"Alright."

The two shared a very uncomfortable silence.

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#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.

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Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews! Oh-and-just in case you didn't catch it, that would make Akamaru a homosexual dog.


	6. Extradimensional Capacitance

_Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the 100 Anime Laws. If, at any point, the owner of the 100 Anime Laws would like me to take this down, I will comply without reluctance. _

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#37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice. This mysterious dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".

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The radio crackled and Tenten could barely make out whose voice was on the other end. She tapped her radio several times and nobody responded save for the annoying and high pitched giggles. She turned off her radio, deciding then that it was the best option. She didn't need distractions humming in her ear while she performed a jutsu or something.

She took a step forward and she heard it. An explosion rocked her uncovered ear and she jolted back, regaining her composure almost effortlessly when she realized she was in an open field. Running to the source of the explosion, she nearly shrieked with what she saw.

Lee's dead body, lying in a pool of blood.

"SHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRIIIIIEEEEEEEK!"

Wait.

Rewind.

Did she just yell shriek?

Erm, back to the point. Tenten ran towards Lee and dropped down beside his limp body. She placed her hand on his neck and felt for a pulse. Nothing.

"No no no no no. This can't be happening." She whispered when the tears began to fall.

"Yes, it can." A husky voice purred into her ear, causing her to jump up and forward. She reached into her jounin vest and pulled out a machine gun, aiming it at her target.

She pressed the trigger and bullets flew everywhere. The dirt stirred and a billiow of dust rose up, covering the victim's body. Tenten smirked and walked up to the body.

She then screamed.

"Neji! What the hell is going on!" She dropped down beside Neji's body and began to cry again.

"What the hell was that?" Neji's voice came out in rough pants and Tenten looked at him quizzically before figuring out what he was talking about.

"It's a mach--" She stopped when Neji's head bobbed to the side and his pupils began to dilate (uh, what pupils?).

Then Tenten began to laugh maniacally.

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"Tenten, you're so cheap!" Lee whined. "What was that big machine thing you were holding?!" 

Tenten laughed and dropped the controller. "It's nothing. You guys suck."

"You programmed the game to add those weapons, didn't you?" Neji asked, his eyes boring holes through her back.

Tenten smiled sweetly at him and began to walk to the door. "Don't cry guys. All you have to do is buy me all my weapons now! And anyway, law number one hundred states that, much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen in anime."

She laughed again and left, imagining what their faces must have looked like.

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#37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice. This mysterious dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".

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Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews everyone. I just began a new semester so I wasn't able to update this story for a week. Forgive me. 


	7. Sweat Pore Variability

_Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the 100 Anime Laws. If, at any point, the owner of the 100 Anime Laws would like me to take this down, I will comply without reluctance. _

Note: I don't like it when I see 'sweatdropped' in a story. So here ya go! This is all dialogue except for the sweatdropping.

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**__**#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.

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"Sakura-chan, you want to be like Sundae-baa-chan?"

Sakura sweatdropped. "Her name is Tsunade and of course I want to be like her!"

"Wouldn't it be hard?"

"Of course it will be hard! But that makes the victory even better!"

"But you'll need pills."

"Why would I need pills?"

"Why are you screaming?"

"Most authors seems to think that using an exclamation mark in every sentence makes the story more realistic!"

"Keh, whatever. But, as I said, you're gonna need pills."

"For what?"

Naruto sweatdropped. "Well...to be like Tsunade...you need to have the...uh..."

Sakura sweatdropped. "Stop pausing so much!"

"Sorry." Naruto sweatdropped. "Boingy boingy."

"Boingy boingy?!"

"Melons, jugs, balloons..what else do they call 'em?"

Sakura sweatdropped. "Naruto, you're so dumb. My shishou does not carry around mel---OMG!"

Sakura proceeded to knock Naruto around, letting him sink into a puddle of sweat produced by the large sweat drop that kept appearing from the back of their heads.

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#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.

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